lacking in contrast.

im getting better at realizing what it is
that is causing me pain
no.
its not the rejection
god knows
there has been plenty of that in my life
no.
its not the cold bed i come home to
i live alone
im used to it and even enjoy it at times
no.
its the fact that i feel
like ive been lied to
like ive been taken advantage of
like ive been used
like ive lost something. . . that maybe never was there

thats what gets me in the end
ive been trying to decide
why it is
that i cant kick this feeling
of loss
it isnt the loss of a lover
that never really happened
that never really came to fruition
yes.
it was hinted at
yes.
it was there as a tease
yes.
it was a possibility

its the loss of a friendship
its the realization of how much was being kept
hidden
set aside
held back

id rather have nothing
than this realization
of all that emptiness
its like ive finally seen behind that curtain
and there's no one there
nothing
all this anticipation
all this faith
all this respect
for nothing

thats whats taking me so long to get over

one after another
these intense relationships that arent
where just as i open up
they close down against me
where just as i let myself be
they walk away
instead of letting it all fall apart
it never is allowed to build up
there is no cataclysmic event
no crashing down
no catharthis
just this slow weeping
like a burn that takes forever to heal
just this slow aching
like a broken rib that cant be reset
just this searing pain
like a torn muscle you cant help but use
oh wait. thats my heart
cheesy isnt that?
but its not like its been ripped asunder
then it could be stitched back up
instead
small incisions
tiny cuts
excised tissue
to minute to notice at first . . .

im sick of this
im sick of folks backing off in fear of pain
life is pain until you find that one to lean on
through all the other pain

so to hell with it all
i keep telling myself
so just give up
[ive been imagining car crashes again]
not that id ever take my life
hell no
but to really feel something
and then RECOVER from it
that realization that you're alive
goddammit alive!
that intensity
that contrast
that's whats been lacking

so away i will go
for a while
here and there
and all else
will just fall away
what's left
thats what will stay.

damned fates

just when i think ive taken care of things
that the decisions i need to sift though
have all been lined up
uncorked and ready
im not sure if its an earthquake
knocking those lovely bottles to the floor
spilling their contents sopping and useless
perhaps just some trick in fermentation
where what i thought was inside there
is nothing of the kind

i have some decisions to make again
i thought i had more time
i thought i had some space here
the next thing i know
here it is
that one thing id been waiting for
that way to make a difference
to be able to go to bed and rest easy at night
to not be alone in my efforts and endeavors
here we go

but i dont want it yet
sure. . . theres time
sure . . .theres a deadline
but i know how these things go
i need to get in there
right on the top of the pile.

i feel good today
ive felt good all day
muscles working and straining again
biking
my skin left slightly burnt from the sun

but now here this is sitting on my mind
i dont need to ask anyone
is this right for me?
i know it is
asking would be a pretense
fishing for compliments
this is exactly what i was hoping for

id joked with my parents
told them that id be fine
told them that something would come my way
it always have
from one job to the next
with an ease that most would be shocked at
yes, there has been effort
the sending of resumes
the filling out of applications
but each of those jobs i didnt get
they were ones where i didnt belong
i have yet to regret
feel i stayed too long
anywhere

no doors have been closed to me
absurd, yes.
to see this trajectory
but its right
i feel charmed in this life
but why not
i will only be happy
when im able to do some good

i look back sometimes
to what i was like as a child
precocious
cruel
exacting
perhaps i am still doing penance for my childhood
i dont think thats so bad.

perihelion

the frost has melted from deep within the dirt
underfoot
it is soft
footprints trace their way
through grass and mud

from the dried earth
green leaves press upward
bent low at first
anticipating that last frost
before they find the warming sun

roots grow deeper and deeper
with each tempting deluge
seeking to slake their thirst
grown larger and larger
teased and reaching downward

slow will be the unfurling of leaves
so slow as to catch by surprise
slow will be the putting forth of fruits
so slow as to be nearly forgotten
sudden will be the ripening

. . . . .

skin dried
near cracking
a thin white dusting
of salt
i could fetch a fortune
at the markets of old
scrape me clean
lick me dry

i cannot stop feeling
the ache in my limbs
overtaxed again and again
i cannot stop feeling

each time i swear i wont let myself
hurt
each time i know myself to be a liar
if i stop one feeling
i will cease to exist
i will end this struggle
there have been too many moments
of knowing where this all could end
but i am as yet incomplete
i have not found my balance
my nook my niche my duality my daemon

in the mirror we each take on strange poses
our faces inverted
made strange
so too shall be my other
waiting, offset slightly

i am not looking for perfection
but only a will
to give and forgive
a will to grace

god, please
do not leave me alone too much longer
do not make me bear witness to this torture
do not ask me to stand reaching out and raising up
my arms are tired
my eyes are weary
my feet are sore

let me lie back a while
in the sun.

il build my army without you

we called it a postmortem
more a resurrection id hoped
im left wondering
what bridges have been burnt
what deeper games are being played
ive walked into a whole world
of folks squabbling
over a few dollar bills

i wanted like hell
to speak my mind
i wanted like hell
to just call em like i saw em
the whole way through

im left
feeling dirty and used
four men in that room
watching
as i got torn apart
im not sure they realized though
what they were up against
that this really isnt over
that if they just stopped for a moment
realized
that we're all in the same game here
rather than lording it over eachother
trying so hard to impress

i pulled in folks
who would never have walked in that door
they chastised me for it
i made money yes
asking for none of it in recompense
their petty bickering over percentages
has made me sick

if any one of them had stopped
listened to those numbers
realized what had been accomplished
looked further than their own pockets

i swear
i will never turn my hand to them again
i feel no remorse
in the fact that other coffers
are growing fat without them

should i feel guilty
that i know how to work a room
turn minds to a cause they had never considered
should i feel guilty
that i beat folks in their own game
or should i feel a sense of pride in all this
they certainly should stop and consider
what this asset is
that they have given up
so offended

im talking in circles here
trying to talk myself out
of the rage i feel

i am sick to death of the men and the boys
the boys wont step up
the men want to step on you
smug entitlement
or cowed confusion

il be gone for a week soon
off to the mountains
like i keep being told i should do
away from this city
all its petty politics
all its sad maneuverings
to get in on a new slice of power

i got out of music because of this
i got out of anthropology because of this
the last place i thought id find such animosity
was on two wheels
i ought to have known better
there is no difference
between the building of these armies
its always for some war to be fought.

fading

should i feel
taken advantage of
that only in such moments
where there is nothing to be lost
where there is no further to fall
do you ever turn to me

should i feel
remorse
that i look back and wish
that i could relive each detail
completely recall
each breath

should i feel
anything anymore

this was not the first time
that i have seen tears in your eyes
was what you were saying then
everything that you meant to say
was what you were saying
intended to protect you
or meant to push me away
to protect me

i dont feel like i can trust
my emotions
my friends
i have no idea how to read
a casual glance
i have no idea how to read
the briefest touch
im scared no to hurt those close to me
im scared that they will hurt me

lonliness has become dangerous
rather than just a fact
dangerous to me
dangerous to my friends

were you just so drunk that it didnt matter
was i just so lost you didnt think it could hurt more
or was it that one opportunity
that one moment
when both our guards were let down
and some semblance of truth crept in

im not sure
that il ever know
with every week that passes
with every day i hold my ground
it seems
this all grows less real

my dreams are the only thing
that bring it back
i can only think
perhaps
when you close your eyes at last
mind clean and clear of the whisps and fades
that it comes back to you as well
and one morning
you will wonder
as i do
what is real
and will do something
to let me know
im too deep now
in lost fantasies
to find my way out
otherwise.

enfolded in the snow now.

yet another night
the winter cinches in
encloses me again
with snow and the aches of cold
you have cut yourself off from me
for all that you answer the phone
perhaps this is a step toward something?
i am left hanging

i am not one to wait around
for someone else to make their move
but yet i find myself
holding back
where i might otherwise
abandon you
to your indecision

is this something i care that much about?
how much time do you need?
am i to wait
forever
til your whole life is sorted out?
life is not something that is meant to be static
it will always be in flux
this at least
is something i have learned

too that those you are meant to be with
are those who you lean on
while the rest of your world falls apart
god knows i am not
stabile
i am in flux
forever
i have embraced this aspect of myself

but you seem determined to tie up
all the loose ends
before you are willing to turn to me

perhaps i should be grateful of this
that you at least are endeavoring to find me
without baggage
or ghosts
or skeletons
to surprise me
but id rather see them in all their horror
be there to confront them

or maybe i wouldnt
this is my romantic side speaking
there is much i want to know of you
much that is blank in the long history
of years past
before your wanderings led you here

is it that idea of being tied down?
is that what scares you most?
i will miss my old work
the travel
the unexcused disappearances
no need to explain
weeks on end
on the other side of the world
i cherished that break in contact

how will i ever be so simple again?
how will i find that ability to cut off
without such simple excuses?

i wonder so many nights
who would miss me should i dissapear
if they came to my house
found it empty
the walls stripped
but stained still with soot from one too many
covert cigarettes

who would seek me out?
who would find me?
who would mourn in silence
who would blame themselves

so often i feel i have taken the easy way out
falling
tripping
stumbling
from one job to the next
from school to school
as though the work did not matter
merely my presence was needed
that i am for some reason required here
but is it what is best for me?

as i listen to this song
i remember the summer in france
sitting in the window
reading Virginia Wolfe
so deeply introspective
feeling like some specter
in my white shift
purchased at a parisian market

the hopeless romatic
who still lives deep inside me
who insists that it is better to feel too much
to be debilitated by those aches of love and lonliness
than to feel too little
and empty of those pains and longings

have i not struggled enough
to learn it is better to be healed and whole?
have i not learned
from those late nights tearing my hair
unable to slow my heart and mind and find peace
when one who was my other half tore themself away?

what makes me think this would be any different?
what makes me think i have the right
to disrupt the family i have found
the circle of friends
who lean on eachother
take out that center pole
and what will remain?
and is it really my obligation
to decide for the rest?

i hope to god you arent leaving
i hope to god
that your reticence is merely fear
i hope that
it is because this is so serious
that you dread that first step

because otherwise
i am sitting here
filled with these absurd hopes
filled with this laughable longing
all alone
with no reciprocal pain
to match my own

what would i prefer?
i hoped
against hope
that you would call back
to say
please please
do come over
to say
please please
ignore my solitude

but i cannot
for the life of me
broach these walls you have erected
over the years
that you called
that you picked up the phone
these are sad but real
benchmarks
that i am using
to see how you care

we have never spent much time alone
how many times
have i tried
to convince you to stay
late into the night
when i watched you sink deep
into your chair

each time you refused
were you slinking away
too scared of what might happen
otherwise?
what was different that one night?

im trying like hell to reenact it all
the proper doses
of desire
of invitation
of inhibition lifted and tossed away

so far
my recipe has been found
lacking.

mania

the ashtray is full
for a second time this evening
something to be said
for the state of my mind
if not the state of my heart

i have been on overdrive these past weeks
overflowing
with activity
such that my fingers
typing
dialing
such that my tongue
coercing
assuring
can barely keep up

it washes into the hours
when i should sleep
but
i know
i will not let it stop

if it were summer
the sun would be coming up soon
birds calling out to the false dawn
instead
there is only the clack of the heater
ceramic elements expanding
metal adjusting
to the heat i surround myself with
tonight

the later it gets
the more times i fill my mug
the more i realize that i am not sleeping
i am waiting

have i misplayed my hand?
was it no more than a moment of whiskey sodden stupor?
a moment when clarity hit

i am casting about for doubt
when really i have none

i know what i want
i am sure of what im doing

and yet
i am set loose
untethered

months stretch before me
open and unplanned
with no chance of interruption

there is much to be done